How Are They, Really?
Ask yourself the following 12 questions about the person you’re concerned for. Use your best observations or things they’ve shared. Be honest, not harsh.
Scoring:
- Never / Rarely = 1 points
- Sometimes = 2 point
- Often = 3 points
- Most days = 4 points
- Almost Always = 5 points
Questions
1 Do they seem unusually tired or drained of energy, even after resting?
2 Have they lost interest or joy in things they once enjoyed?
3 Do they avoid social interactions, even with close friends or family?
4 Have you noticed changes in their sleep patterns (insomnia or oversleeping)?
5 Are they eating significantly more or less than usual?
6 Do they speak or move with noticeably slower or restless behavior?
7 Do they often express negative thoughts about themselves or their future?
8 Do they struggle to concentrate, remember things, or make decisions?
9 Have they become more irritable or withdrawn than usual?
10 Do they seem hopeless, numb, or emotionally flat most of the time?
11 Have they made remarks about not wanting to be here, even casually?
12 Are they resisting help, self-care, or suggestions that might help them feel better?
Results Interpretation
Score Range: 12 – 20
Likely State: ✅ Not Depressed (or occasional blues)
What This Might Mean: They may be experiencing a tough time, but there’s no strong pattern suggesting depression. Still, maintain support, encourage healthy routines.
Score Range: 21 – 30
Likely State: ⚠️ Mild Signs
What This Might Mean: Signs suggest they’re struggling more than usual. Watch closely, offer check-ins and emotional presence.
Score Range: 31 – 40
Likely State: 🔺 Moderately Depressed
What This Might Mean: Their behavior suggests they might be facing some emotional challenges. Encourage self-help strategies and gentle intervention.
Score Range: 41 – 50
Likely State: ❗ Significant Signs of Depression
What This Might Mean: This person may be in deep emotional pain. Kindly and firmly recommend they seek help from a professional or helpline.
Score Range: 51 – 60
Likely State: 🚨 Severely Depressed / Crisis Risk
What This Might Mean: Immediate professional or crisis intervention needed. Stay close, if safe to do so.
How to Help Someone with Depression (Without Overstepping)
Step 1: Show Up, Don’t Fix
- DO: Be present. A simple “I’m here if you need to talk or not talk” is powerful.
- DON’T: Offer quick fixes like “just go for a run” or “think positive.” Depression isn’t a mood; it’s a condition.
Step 2: Listen Like You Mean It
- DO: Let them vent without interruption or judgement. Silence is golden, nodding is platinum.
- DON’T: Jump in with “At least…” or compare their struggles to someone else’s. That often makes people shut down.
Step 3: Offer Small, Specific Help
- DO: Suggest doable things, like “Want me to bring over dinner?” or “Can I help you walk the dog today?”
- DON’T: Say “Let me know if you need anything” unless you truly mean it and follow up. Depression makes it hard to ask.
Step 4: Respect Their Energy Levels
- DO: Be okay with cancelled plans, changed moods, or long silences. Your consistency builds trust.
- DON’T: Take their withdrawal personally. Depression drains even the desire to connect.
Step 5: Encourage (But Don’t Push) Professional Help
- DO: Gently suggest seeing a therapist or doctor—especially if you hear signs of hopelessness or suicidal thoughts.
- DON’T: Frame it as something “broken” that needs “fixing.” Instead, say things like, “You deserve support that helps you feel better.”
Things to Note When Approaching Someone with Depression
- 🕊️ Be gentle, not invasive. Don’t demand answers. Offer space.
- 🪞 Watch your tone. Kindness over cheerleading. Compassion over pep talks.
- 🧱 Don’t expect instant change. Healing is a marathon—not a group project with a deadline.
- 🛟 Take care of yourself too. Supporting someone with depression can be heavy. Boundaries are healthy, not selfish.
You can’t pour light into someone’s darkness with a firehose. Be a candle instead—quiet, steady, and warm.
A Reminder
This tool is a compassionate guide, not a clinical label. Depression is complex, deeply personal, and never a one-size-fits-all experience. Your care, presence, and listening ear might already be making a difference.
Below is a free downloadable PDF for easy reference and dissemination.
The Gentle Lighthouse 